


casey's big birthday bash!

by crypticabbreviation



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, Earth C (Homestuck), Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mourning, POV Dave Strider, POV John Egbert, Recovery, Referenced Isolation, Secret Relationship, but i swear this is about john and dirk, clown cars, fatherly insecurities, genderfluid casey/bubbles von salamance, implied socialism, silliness abound
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:49:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27689875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crypticabbreviation/pseuds/crypticabbreviation
Summary: john had a long summer. it's about time casey gets a birthday party.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, John Egbert & Dave Strider, John Egbert/Dirk Strider
Comments: 7
Kudos: 48
Collections: DirkJohn Big Bang 2020





	casey's big birthday bash!

**Author's Note:**

> for the dirkjohn big bang 2020  
> !! please check out the accompanied illustrations:  
> [♥](https://smoldavestrudel.tumblr.com/post/635630154865082368/an-art-i-did-for-a-dirkjohn-bb-the-gif-is-called) [♥](https://john-simp.tumblr.com/post/635629964326289408/caseys-big-birthday-bash-crypticabbreviation)  
> thank you to the artists for their talent and patience, please look at their stuff!  
> noah [ [ig](https://www.instagram.com/smoldavestrudel/) | [tumblr](https://smoldavestrudel.tumblr.com/) ]  
> connor [ [ig](https://www.instagram.com/__johnsimp/) | [tumblr](https://john-simp.tumblr.com/) ]

KARKAT: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME.

You straighten your stupid boyfriend’s stupid collar

DAVE: bout what  
KARKAT: DON’T GIVE ME THAT! YOU KNOW WHAT I’M REFERRING TO.  
KARKAT: YOU ARE ACTIVELY DEFENDING *RITUALISTIC LIZARD CELEBRATION*.  
DAVE: dont be a dick shes a salamander

Your name is Dave Strider, and tonight is a big night. It just so happens that today, some September date, has been proclaimed by your dear and ever-so-slightly estranged best friend, John Egbert, to be his darling salamander daughter’s birthday.

KARKAT: IT’S BAD ENOUGH YOU ROSEY FREAKS ALREADY CELEBRATE WRIGGLING.  
KARKAT: IF YOU WOULD JUST LET ME LEAD *ANY* KINGDOM THE WAY WE SHOULD, THERE WOULD BE AN ANNUAL PROTEST RALLY.  
KARKAT: *AGAINST* WRIGGLING, DAVE.  
DAVE: actually i think salamanders hatch so  
KARKAT: TO LIVE IS TO BE IN PAIN, FUCKWRENCH!  
DAVE: thats bullshit babe  
DAVE: now stop squirming your ties crooked  
KARKAT: *AND YOU’RE MAKING ME DRESS UP.* I HAVEN’T HARDLY TOUCHED ON THAT, HAVE I!  
DAVE: please dude i was here for the last half hour i-  
DIRK: What the Christ are you two wearing?

You stand in the bathroom with your boyfriend and general idiot life partner, Karkat Vantas. He looks pretty goddamn cute in the suit you got him- it matches yours, a calm red with that dope sheen- which is absolutely children’s birthday party material.

Your ecto-dad-brother, Dirk Strider, stands just in the doorway, still trying to acquiesce to the carbonation of fresh Fanta and your collective stupidity. 

DAVE: uhhhh the sickest suits this side of the globe dicknut  
DAVE: no species is immune to swag  
DIRK: Dude, it’s a kiddie pool party. There’s gonna be water balloons and shit.  
DAVE: oh bullshit  
DAVE: what are *you* wearing  
DIRK: The magic here is that I don’t have to answer that question.  
KARKAT: YOU HAVE A HAT ON YOUR SHIRT.  
DAVE: yeah man sorry to break it to you ive been meaning to stage an intervention for *at least* a year by now  
DIRK: You look like you’re headed to the grand ball of idiots who shove $400 watches up their asses and drink cologne, just like ancient times.  
DAVE: way to piss on the parade  
DAVE: you know those little bastards are gonna be parading around upon our arrival  
DAVE: little celebratory salamander parade like fuck yeah you guys saved style now and forever  
KARKAT: NO. NO! DON’T JOKE ABOUT THAT! THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT JOHN WOULD DO. NOPE. NO. FUCK OFF.

You put your attention back on your darling jackass, and pat his shoulders.

KARKAT: I LOOK LIKE A SWEATY BAG OF POINTY GAMER CUISINE.  
DAVE: gasp  
DAVE: karkat asscramp vantas  
DAVE: dont say that shit about yourself anyone would be lucky to indulge in your scrumptious cheddar  
KARKAT: PLEASE STOP TALKING  
DIRK: Too late to take it off now. Y’all already take ten minutes to cram into our goddamn clown car.  
KARKAT: UGH.  
DAVE: shotgun

* * *

The Strider-Vantas car is a funny little thing. The full truth is that this was entirely your decision, though that little nakodile salesman was rather pushy. It stands nearly two feet shorter than your lanky ass, and is probably your worst lifestyle decision to date.

Earth C has been doing good, much thanks to you.. and the others. You can’t bullshit, everyone’s been working the collective ass off for the past two years on this planet, and it’s kind of paying off. For one, your economy makes some goddamn sense and doesn’t hold the weight of survival in the balance. That’s pretty epic of you. And it allows for the sort of experimental businesses such as the one that brought you this car. Designed, engineered, and fully produced by consorts for consorts: your stupid little clown car.

Of which you’ve been shoved into the back of. Serves you right for calling shotgun. Karkat refuses to take anything but passenger seat, and Dirk isn’t one to negotiate. Man, you love them.

DIRK: At least it’s efficient.  
DAVE: haha nice

Karkat groans, and Dirk sighs like the weathered old bitch he is. He pulls out of the parking lot by your apartment building- which, by the way, is nice, clean. The three of you live somewhere in the troll kingdom, which means you’ve taken a substantial step up from Houston. The streets are wider, clearer. The builds don’t stand nearly as tall and don’t loom. And you actually have zoning laws here, so that kinda rips ass.

You lay your head against the window as the car chugs along the roadside. It’s nice to watch the little shops passing by, nice to have that sense of pride when a new one crops up. It was worth it- all the bureaucracy, all the guesses you’ve taken at legal theory with your goofy gang of post-existentialist apocalypse goobers. Two years isn’t nearly enough time to get shit in perfect working order, sure; you and said goober council still have years to figure out what the fuck to do about widespread healthcare, regulating divine intervention, and learning from the _prolific_ mistakes of past planets.

But there’s always Can Town to look up to. And you know the Mayor sure isn’t letting you grow up too fast. You smile a little- just to yourself, because you’re still a real cool chill dude and all- as you pass those silver cylinders. It’s beautiful. And then Dirk takes an early turn.

DAVE: yo im no gps but uhhh might wanna recalcu-  
DIRK: He moved, a few months back.  
DAVE: oh

Right. Yeah. Your name is Dave Strider, and a few months back, your best pal, John Egbert, got a place of his own. He didn’t move far- obviously, because that’d be dumb- but you never made it over come to think of it. Why didn’t you make it over?

It’s whatever. People get busy. You’ve heard from him every now and again; you remember talking with him about the move back around the time the Strider-Vantas couch got completely torched, absolutely conflagerated. So he’s _fine_ , you’re fine. You know the whole party thing is always an excuse to all hang out, and today is (about) right in the middle of the big birthday drought, so you really can’t blame him. But what kinda guy needs an excuse just to hang out?

You smooth down your tie, and look up out the window. Dirk kills the engine, and you’re here.

It’s a pretty basic house, but you’ve come to accept that humans are pretty good at reinventing basic suburban architecture. Instead of pondering the historical accuracy of that statement, you get to work on climbing out of the car.

Which, in short, is a pain. You hum unwittingly to yourself as Karkat helps you out, but even that comes with a price. Not that you mind; his jeering is adorable. God, you’re in love.

KARKAT: IS THAT ALL YOUR SORRY, KICKABLE ASS IS CAPABLE OF? IRREVERENT TORMENT?  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: i still flip those discs pretty hot  
DAVE: like a goddamn pancake up in here  
KARKAT: DOMESTIC INCONVENIENCES. AND ROTATING TUNES.  
DAVE: flippin it songways  
KARKAT: FLIPPING DITTIES.  
DAVE: yeah ill flip your ditty

You do what you two do best, and bicker. All the while, not that you’re paying attention- duh- Dirk already stands at John’s door.

And he stands there like he fits the douchey-yet-redeemable love interest typecast. Like he’s holding roses and waiting for John to open the door and ogle him all longingly and shit. Which is weird to picture. So you don’t- why would you, you aren’t paying attention. 

Instead you drag Karkat onward to catch up. And once you’re at Dirk’s side, he knocks at the door, as if he’d been respectfully waiting for your stupid asses to catch up. You’ll thank him later, through a vague gesture of brotherly appreciation. He likes those.

Sooner than not, the door does open. And there stands John Egbert, in his usual shorts and t-shirt, because some things never get to change. He’s still the same big guy, thanks to swinging that goddamn hammer around for however many years. Though, you swiftly take notice that his hair has grown out a little, something closer to Karkat’s brand of mess. You kinda think it suits him, being a little more unkempt.

The sparse hairs on his chin don’t look so sad when he grins at you, and Dirk and Karkat.

JOHN: wow.  
JOHN: nice suits!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.  
DAVE: dude holy shit right  
JOHN: snrrt. i can’t believe you guys dressed up.

His eyes flick to Dirk, this sheepish little smile on his face for a moment. You pay it no mind, totally normal shit between those two. He’s probably wondering why Dirk didn’t dress up too.

DAVE: dude hows the place  
JOHN: i mean! it’s pretty suburban, huh. hehe.  
DAVE: well youre an egbert theres no escaping that  
DIRK: Harsh.  
DAVE: but youre free of that harlequin bullshit  
JOHN: oh. uh-  
DAVE: like it was no puppet butt nightmare  
DAVE: but hey  
DAVE: no competition with the traumatic interests of our guardians amiright  
DIRK: (Cough.)  
DAVE: im uh  
DAVE: sorry i never made it over  
JOHN: uh. heh.   
JOHN: it’s ok! here, you guys should come in. we’re just getting set up!

Oh right. You were all headed over early for a reason. John opens the door for the three of you.

You step past John, getting a good first look around the place. And, despite hyping it up to yourself in the past minute, it’s pretty lame. You’re sorta disappointed by the blank walls, barren living room, and empty kitchen. But shit, maybe he’s just grown up; you guess that’s what childhood clown overexposure does to a guy. Thank god he’s done with that bullshit.

The front door sits directly across from the back sliding door, the kitchen and staircase on one side, and that bland-ass living room on the other. The place hardly looks lived in, like the world’s saddest haunted house.

But you keep your mouth shut about it.

* * *

ROXY: hey clowns ur late

Amidst a fair number of cliche or otherwise overdone party supplements, sits a kiddie pool; and right beside that, stands Roxy. She gives the four of you a warm smile that nearly distracts from the sweater that reads “Garfield is my dad.”

DAVE: yallre gonna go with a kiddie pool  
DAVE: in september  
ROXY: lol r u jealous  
DAVE: youre goddamn right i am  
DAVE: no apartments equipped to slip n slide  
DAVE: closest you can get is butterin yourself up for a smooth tumble in the dryer  
DAVE: and thats if youre lucky  
JOHN: please don’t.  
DIRK: There will be no buttering.  
KARKAT: I THINK WE’RE HERE TO HELP!  
DAVE: oh damn thats right  
DAVE: wheres the birthday girl  
VICEROY BUBBLES: glugub  
JOHN: oh! he’s a he today. see the robes?

A salamander stands beside Roxy, and you do, in fact, see the robes. And from John’s elaboration, you conclude that this salamander has a much better concept of gender than you do. Respect. You nod down at the little man, a gaze of understanding. But the Viceroy just stares back from beneath that nefarious little hood. Unblinking. Unfeeling.

DAVE: nice  
DAVE: though uh  
DAVE: hes kinda lookin at me funny  
JOHN: i think he likes you!  
VICEROY BUBBLES: blububg  
JOHN: yeah! remember uncle dave?  
VICEROY BUBBLES: baugh

You consider yourself lucky when John bends down to sweep the little man back up, who goes without a fight. You’ll just ignore the beady little eyes that remain pinned to you, widening.

JOHN: dirk, do you think you can handle the slip ‘n slide?  
JOHN: then dave and i can do banners.  
ROXY: epic i did my duties 4 this pool party so imma take that as me bein off the hook  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT THIS WAS A BIRTHDAY PARTY?  
DIRK: It’s the same thing.  
JOHN: you guys could finish up wi-  
ROXY: no it litcherally isnt/??  
ROXY: cmere karkat we r goin to party school in the most original sense  
DAVE: oh so karkat gets to slack  
KARKAT: I GET TO DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT IN THIS SUIT, FUCKWIT.  
ROXY: u cant deprive ur mans of his education davey  
ROXY: k so the pool party dates back 2 the backyard rites of

Damn. You can’t believe you’re gonna just miss out on that conversation. Poor guy grew up without a backyard shenanigans period. Never got sprayed by the hose, never ran through the sprinkler. All he had was the kitchen sink and you know for a fact he still struggles with that thing. Shit, he probably doesn’t even know what a water balloon _is_.

You and John get to work figuring out where the fuck to put this thing. It’s a banner, pretty standard shit, but it just had to be big enough to fit “HAPPY HATCHDAY, VICEROY BUBBLES/CASEY VON SALAMANCE-EGBERT!” No clue why John had to print the full name, but you aren’t shocked.

As the two of you find proper spacing along the fence, Dirk gets to work on the holy plastic runway. He rolls it out with his usual unearned confidence.

DIRK: (What kinda backyardigan needs an instruction manual to do this. It’s a strip of plastic.)  
VICEROY BUBBLES: (blub)  
DIRK: (Right? You plug the hose into this bitch and it’s p)  
DIRK: (Where’s the fuckin’ opening.)  
JOHN: there! that’s good, hold still!  
DAVE: yup  
VICEROY BUBBLES: (gub)  
DIRK: (Nah, that’s not it lil’ man.)  
JOHN: ok- perfect.  
JOHN: oh wow! are you helping?  
VICEROY BUBBLES: glugbgub  
JOHN: haha. that’s so cool.

John walks your way, just past Dirk and his assistant, and staples your end into place. The two of you step back to admire it.

DAVE: damn egbert  
DAVE: you really went all out on this huh  
JOHN: heh. i guess so.  
JOHN: i just wanna give him what my dad gave me, i guess!

You turn your head to give him a weird look. It probably comes off a whole lot more judgemental than you meant it, because two years is never enough to learn to control your goddamn mug. But whatever judgement that’s conveyed has a point, and you know it makes you an ass; but what the fuck is up with John pampering that lizard kid.

DAVE: are you good bro

Again, way too much fucking judgement seeps out your stupid little maw where concern should be. John looks uncomfortable, you can tell that much, and his chuckle only confirms it. He turns to look down at the aforementioned lizard (salamander) son now at his feet.

JOHN: hey bud! are you excited?  
DIRK: He’s chatty today.  
VICEROY BUBBLES: blubbub  
JOHN: yeah? gonna see your friends?  
VICEROY BUBBLES: !

It’s like witnessing the world’s tiniest sleeper agent’s activation. Those freaky little eyes go wide at the word _friends_ , and the Viceroy scrambles away. As he runs on those little floppy amphibious legs, he whisks a stick out from his robe, and begins to wave and twirl it about.

You guess kids kinda like sticks. But there’s definitely something more to the way Viceroy Bubbles twirls around his cane- not that you know how the hell dark magic actually works. All that matters is that it does, because it’s shaking birds from the trees, and there’s something about it that rattles through your core. You can only hope that everyone else feels it too. Something old, just a little sickening, something tugging at ghosts.

But before any “friends” can dramatically rise from beyond the grave, Dirk flashes forward to sweep up the world’s tiniest dark artist. The Crook of Frailty, you fucking guess, falls to the grass.

Viceroy Bubbles doesn’t bother to revolt further. Dirk cradles him and _goddamn_ , that is the smuggest consort you ever did see. He knows what’s done is done as the air settles. And John hurries to Dirk’s side.

JOHN: bubbles! what did we say about necromancy??  
VICEROY BUBBLES: blub

As John scolds the Viceroy for his crimes, your eyes are on Dirk. There’s a weird little smile on his face that tells you he’s proud, or something like that, as he looks down at Bubbles. Maybe you’re a little jealous, because it’s that gaze of familial affection you usually get when you do stupid shit without getting hurt. But it doesn’t take much for you to drop the lizard envy.

Dirk gives Bubbles a comforting pat on the head. Knowing how few fucks Bubbles actually gives, maybe it’s not something he needs, maybe it’s something that Dirk doesn’t even think twice about. But it’s something that you sure as fuck will. It’s something miles away from the cold, firm, begrudging acknowledgements of your bro. It’s natural, and with the way Dirk holds the Viceroy, it looks like something he’s done before.

Maybe you should actually be a little jealous, but if you think about that for more than three seconds the specifics get kinda weird.

* * *

JOHN: wizards, am i right.  
ROXY: oh tell me abt it  
ROXY: necromanxy scares happen aaaaall the time  
KARKAT: W- HE WAS TRYING TO DO *WHAT*?  
JOHN: speaking of which! rose and kanaya are supposed to be here soon.  
DAVE: aw shit and those two are obnoxiously punctual  
DAVE: im gonna go stand by the door until they roll up so i can be the worlds best doorman  
KARKAT: NO. NO YOU AREN’T. YOU’RE GOING TO DO THE “OH NO! I’M A MORON AND THE DOOR’S LOCKED!” BIT.  
DAVE: haha bro i have no clue what youre talking about  
ROXY: lol wait no i love that bit

Your smug ass has already bolted to get inside and to the front door. Karkat and Roxy trail behind, as if the three of you fit the age demographic for Bubbles’ backyard pool party.

KARKAT: DON’T YOU *TOUCH* THAT FUCKING DOOR!  
DAVE: dude what im a grown ass man why would i ever

Because you’re hilarious, just as you flip the little lock doohickey, you turn to make cold eye contact with Karkat. For once, your shades aren’t the only obstacle.

With Dirk and John being the only two still out in the yard, you’d expect them to make awkward conversation; talk about Kermit the frog, horses; whatever normal _casual_ buds do. But thanks to your distraction, your best bro has your other grade-A homeboy wrapped up in his arms again. And even more scandalous, Dirk is up on his toes for a kiss.

Your first thought: _ew_. It’s not something you’re super interested in watching, clearly. Even if you can’t help but stare in disbelief at the complete heap of baggage there is to unpack between the two.

Your second thought comes just about as fast: _eh;_ John looks happy, it’d just be selfish to be upset. You saw the little smile on his face, too distracted by your weird brother to realize that you can very clearly see them through the back door. And Dirk’s hands are up in his hair, which is.. oddly intimate.

Yeah, this is weird to watch. Lucky for you, a knock at the door stops you from circling back to the first stage of grief (where you should be with this kind of hamfuckery getting pulled over your head). Karkat opens the door before you can do anything.

DAVE: oh hey bitch  
ROSE: Very classy. Shame I can’t say the same for that suit.  
KANAYA: Oh Dear Where Did You Get This  
KANAYA: I  
KANAYA: Karkat Not You Too  
KARKAT: I HAD NO CHOICE.  
JOHN: hey kanaya! rose!

John enters from the back door to join the rest of you. No doubt you’re the only one to note the extra color to his cheeks.

ROSE: Hi, John.   
ROSE: You put up a kiddie pool, this time of year?  
DAVE: fuckin tell me about it  
ROSE: You put out a- a Slip ‘N Slide? It’s going to rain.  
JOHN: yes. yes we did! because that’s bull crap!  
JOHN: how have you been??  
KANAYA: Quite Well Actually  
KANAYA: Its Very Good To See You Again  
ROSE: The new place is.. nice.  
KARKAT: (THAT SOUNDS HONEST AND UNFILTERED.)  
JOHN: pff. thanks! it’s, umm, all fresh and mine!  
KANAYA: (Exceedingly Natural On Both Parts)

Rose isn’t buying it either. There’s a look on her face that you still struggle to accept as concern. It’s more like she knows something’s wrong, and she’s ready to dig.

ROSE: How have you been, John?

* * *

TG: btw sorry movie night was cancelled this week  
TG: ngl i really dropped the ball on the whole replacing the strider vantas couch  
TG: *regardless* of who lit it up in the first place  
EB: lol. it’s all good dude!  
EB: i dunno if i would have been able to make it anyways. moving is pretty weird?  
TG: aw shucks  
TG: nah i get it  
TG: but if you have it in you were moving things to jade n jakes place next week  
TG: jade doesnt trust me  
EB: hehe. thanks dude.  
EB: i’ll try to make it over, but i’m still boxed up!

Your name is John Egbert, and tonight, some night in April, just so happens to be your first night in the new place. You feel pretty good about it. Living with Jane and her dad was fine, but now’s about the time you’d be moving out if things hadn’t flipped pearways and killed off every single person you knew.

But you’re moving past that! In, you know, whatever direction that is.

TG: id offer to help bro but i think im physically incapable of it  
EB: pff. bull crap.  
EB: either way, there’s not much left to do!  
EB: jane and jade were pretty thorough with their assessment of the place.  
EB: there’s a piano and everything!  
TG: earlier you said there was no tv  
EB: pbbt. yet, dave. yet.  
EB: but aside from figuring that out!!  
EB: i just gotta unpack and decorate. :)  
TG: ohhh fuck yes dude  
TG: classic john decor lemme see those hunkalicious posters baby  
EB: oh. haha. no. no, no. very funny.  
EB: i don’t think those are going back up. ever.  
TG: dude what  
TG: can i have them karkat would hate it  
EB: you guys are fucking weird! sure.   
EB: i’ll get them to you soon.  
TG: fuck yes  
EB: but i should go for tonight!! the boxes call.  
TG: alright bud business time  
\-- ectoBiologist [ EB ] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [ TG ] at 22:35! --

He’s darn right it’s business time. You leave your bedroom, and head downstairs. It takes a whole four steps for you to fall flat on your face and slide down the stairs like a limp fish. Metaphysically speaking, of course. 

It’s just weird, being alone in an empty house. It’s not _supposed_ to be empty, and technically it isn’t- you’re here, your stuff is here, duh. But all the walls are blank. The bookshelves you built with Jane are empty. There’s no evil little harlequin figurines at every turn. Back when you lived with her, you could at least pretend you were staying somewhere else. Now, there’s no excuses to make: this is home.

It’s supposed to be, at least. You know it’s gonna take some time to warm up to, this is _supposed_ to be the whole big transitional phase of your life. You’re supposed to be leaving home for the _first_ time, it’s supposed to be exciting.

After opening some boxes and half-heartedly assessing what all you have left, you kind of just want to go to bed. Because you’re 18 and also a god, no one can tell you not to. The boxes can wait.

\-- gardenGnostic [ GG ] began pestering ectoBiologist [ EB ] at 08:41! --  
GG: hey jerk!!  
GG: has the new place swallowed you alive or something??

Your computer beeps at you from across the room. You’re actually hanging up some shirts. It’s taken a good couple days for you to build up the emotional strength to do so. Meanwhile, the boxes downstairs sit open and fade into scenery.

\-- ectoBiologist [ EB ] is no longer an idle chum! --  
EB: hey! sorry, i’ve been unpacking!  
EB: and. adjusting and organizing and all that fun stuff!  
GG: you know you can take a break from that crap right?  
EB: pff, thanks, but i’ve been taking breaks.  
GG: and taking care of yourself?  
EB: and taking care of myself! i’m just fine, jade.  
GG: ok sorry! i just wanted to be sure  
GG: i know its only been a couple days but we miss you!  
GG: is it weird living alone?  
EB: heh. um. yeah. it is.  
EB: cuz i kinda don’t feel like i’m doing it right..  
EB: like this is what i always imagined it’d feel like for you to live all alone with your taxidermied grandpa?  
GG: haha! yeah! that was pretty fucked up!!  
GG: but i know that you probably need the space right?  
EB: right. yeah.  
GG: just dont forget im here for you  
GG: we love you john  
EB: pff, i know. i’m not going anywhere. talk to you soon!  
GG: uhh ok!  
GG: see you soon <3!  
\-- ectoBiologist [ EB ] ceased being pestered at 08:55! --

You’ll ignore the blatant irony of telling her you’ll be around and immediately disconnecting. These shorts aren’t gonna fold themselves!

You fold those bad boys right up, and then you think about how you’ll never see your father again. You don’t want to be too on the nose with what you’re going through here, but sometimes it just hits you; the house is empty, the walls are empty. There’s no obnoxious portrait of your baby face hung on the living room wall beside his own gentlemanly countenance. There’s no more silly hats everywhere and no more of those god awful cakes. Yeah, even those you have complicated feelings on. It’s been five years, and yet every time it crosses your mind you _still_ feel as if it’s all torn out at once.

Tomorrow is your birthday. Jade will probably check in on you again. Everyone will. You spend the rest of the day preparing with cigarettes in bed.

* * *

JOHN: uh. heh.  
JOHN: yeah! y- i’ve been doing ok!  
ROSE: Mhm.  
JOHN: just- uh! just busy ghostbusti-  
DIRK: Oh, Kanaya, how’s the garden doing?

Your name is still John Egbert, and you consider yourself very lucky. Dirk comes in through the back door with the perfect distraction. It’s impossible not to smile at the sight of your salamander son up on his shoulders.

VICEROY BUBBLES: (glub)  
KANAYA: Quite Well Actually  
KANAYA: Given The Challenges Of Unfamiliar Botanical Subjects  
KANAYA: Thank You For Asking Dirk  
VICEROY BUBBLES: (gub)  
ROSE: Dirk, I wasn’t aware you were so well acquainted with the dark artist Viceroy Bubbles. I’d-  
DIRK: Nah, we’re on good terms.  
ROXY: good terms?? u guys have been besties since u showed up dude  
ROSE: Is that so?  
VICEROY BUBBLES: (gubgub)

Bubbles glubs in the euphoria of friendship, tugging at Dirk’s hair. The two now stand at your side, right where they should be. “Ghostbusting” isn’t all you’ve been up to in the past five months.

JOHN: haha. uh, bubbles is just friendly!  
ROXY: i think he likes dave too  
VICEROY BUBBLES: (blubbub)  
DAVE: he literally just threatened me  
DIRK: Don’t be a little bitch, he loves you.  
JOHN: yeah, dave! he-

A goofy horn interrupts you from outside, and everyone’s attention trails off with yours. Peeking through the little window on the front door, you can spot two of those awful little cars out on the curb. The one with the neon yellow flames is easy to recognize as Dave’s. But the car parked directly in front of your house is new. And you really can’t think of anyone else dumb enough to get one of those things.

ROXY: what is it??  
JOHN: it’s, um, another clown car?  
DAVE: dude  
KANAYA: Frankly I Really Cant Think of Anyone Else Dumb Enough To Get One Of Those Things  
DAVE: dude im right here

The car’s front door swings open as you watch. Rose comes to see for herself, standing on her toes to reach the window. She only bumps into you when Dave joins.

ROSE: Dave, spare me one fucking inch of space.  
DAVE: sorry im all outta those lemme sniff that sweet window  
JOHN: ow!  
ROSE: Shh.

The three of you shut up when the car’s front door swings open. And out of it, pops a little red claw.

JOHN: aw. haha, it’s just some consorts.  
JOHN: (i forgot they could actually drive those things....)

A cute little crocodile has climbed out, and after it, an iguana. They bump into one another as a turtle follows, and then another crocodile.

But then they just don’t stop.

ROSE: Ah.  
DAVE: (oh my god)  
DAVE: (no)  
DAVE: (holy jesus no)  
KARKAT: WHAT? WHAT’S HAPPENING??

It’s easy for you to lose count. One colorful little dude after the other, more and more climb out of their car. And by the time their little door is pushed responsibly shut, there has to be about thirty of them. And every single one is headed straight for your door.

JOHN: uh.. bubbles? your friends are.. here.  
VICEROY BUBBLES: !!!!

A rumbling grows outside the house, and it shakes you to your core to know the sound of dozens of little consort feet pattering against the ground.

There’s a thump at the door.

DAVE: (oh god no no no)  
DAVE: (john please)  
ROXY: let them in

There’s another bump outside the door. Dave eagerly clears the way as you reach for the doorknob, and Rose follows.

Good fucking thing they do, because the moment you open the door, there’s no going back. A colorful assortment of scaly rascals pour in the door, scrambling straight to the backdoor. A chorus of _naknaknak_ and _thipthip_ covers Dave’s sob. Rose, on the other hand, just smiles at the body of intruders, as if it’s the best thing to ever happen to her. Kanaya stands at her side, speechless, and yet with a look of wonderment.

ROSE: Well good evening Madame Sunday Austere,  
DAVE: (no no oh my god stop)  
ROSE: Marchioness Jay Squamish,  
DAVE: (please)  
DAVE: (bro shut door please)  
ROSE: Lettuce the Sixth.  
ROSE: And Sir Etesian North, hello!

You kinda just look at her, wondering if she’s making this shit up.

ROSE: Oh, welcome Mister Scone!

She’s definitely full of bullshit.

The mass files out the backdoor, sweeping Bubbles along with them. When the final turtle waddles through the doorway, you realize they hadn’t been moving all that fast after all.

DAVE: (fuck fuckity jeepers shit)  
DAVE: are they done  
KANAYA: I Would Believe So  
KANAYA: Only So Many Scoundrels Can Squeeze Into One Vehicle  
KARKAT: TAKE A DEEP BREATH, YOU’RE ABOUT TO SHIT YOURSELF.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: DAVE  
DAVE: pff  
DAVE: who the hell gets jumpy around lil amphibifriends  
ROSE: Someone with repressed consort-related trauma, one may assume.  
ROSE: Might that describe you?  
DAVE: fuck you what are you even talking about

Well. Your entire backyard is now flooded with the floppy little feet of half the consort kingdom. Dave and Rose’s bickering dissolves into background chatter as you wander to your backdoor. Looking out upon the sea of rascals, you realize they have just about the same effect on you as a crowd of regular party guests: you don’t know what to do with your limbs.

So, you gravitate toward the snack table, where Dirk and Roxy try to help various guests into the little party hats. “Try” is the operative word, as Dirk kneels beside an antsy iguana and Roxy does enough giggling for the both of them; that little guy just can’t keep the goddamn thing on.

You try to keep your gaze on Dirk, to keep yourself anchored to the spot. But there’s not much else you can think of besides the fact that your dad would have loved it. You wonder if he’d be proud of you, if he could see this party as you once saw him. Maybe you didn’t have a backyard full of friends as a kid, and maybe he invited one too many clowns when you turned nine. But the guy knew how to party. You think the friends you did have really liked him.

Right. You had classmates. Names you can’t remember; you haven’t remembered their faces in a long time. The little bits of them in your mind is all that’s left of them, and all you can do is stare at the clouds and struggle to remember their names.

DIRK: Hey.

Suddenly, he’s standing right beside you. His hand is on your shoulder, and you can only assume he gave up on that iguana and his hat. You focus your eyes on Dirk’s face, which is cool and controlled as ever. He offers you a party hat. You know it would be pretty damn rude to decline.

JOHN: haha.. thanks.  
DIRK: Everything cool?  
JOHN: i’ll be ok. probably.  
JOHN: how are you feeling?  
DIRK: .... Good, actually.  
DIRK: I mean, dunno if you ever paid attention, but organized social gatherings aren’t my strong suit.  
JOHN: at my last birthday party you bit me on the nose. i know.  
DIRK: And this year we agreed to stop talking about it.  
JOHN: i crossed my fingers! that didn’t count.

He makes a show of rolling his eyes, almost turning away from your dumb ass, only to take your hand. Totally inconspicuous, just two dudes holding hands in a colorful lizard ocean.

JOHN: do you think it’s going ok?  
DIRK: What, the party?  
JOHN: yeah. i was actually thinking that maybe i should have coordinated with bubbles’ friends.  
JOHN: we could have arranged some kind of, like-  
JOHN: celebratory salamander parade!  
DIRK: Mhm..  
DIRK: You’re doing enough, John. It’s a good party, look-  
DIRK: Mr. Scone is fucking digging the kiddie pool.

You sigh. There is indeed that little iguana in his party hat, loving the kiddie pool. But Dirk’s got to be in cahoots with Rose.

DIRK: What time are the others supposed to show up?  
JOHN: bluh. any time now. those lizards were really punctual.  
DIRK: They’re amphibians.  
JOHN: same thing!!  
DIRK: Are you nervous?  
JOHN: well, i think i’m beyond that by now. i kind of already blew it with dave!  
JOHN: and i’m not that far from blowing it with everyone else too! they all think i just abandoned them all summer.  
JOHN: not to mention ignoring everyone on my birthday, which is basically a national holiday!  
JOHN: i don’t even know what i’m trying to do here, exploit bubbles for birthday redemption???

Dirk squeezes your hand, slow and steady, just as you begin to feel like you might break into tiny pieces and float away. His hand calms your breath, your heart. You sigh. The eye of the world’s silliest hurricane.

JOHN: sorry-  
DIRK: You’re okay.  
DIRK: You know what I said.  
JOHN: it’s still my job to fix things?  
DIRK: I said that you just need to open up.  
DIRK: You’re grieving, John. It’s not your fault.

Your eyes drift to the ground. Dirk’s good for you like that. It makes you smile, and somehow it makes you sad. He’d said, the other day, that you weren’t alone in your grief.

JOHN: uh. you know.  
JOHN: when my dad used to throw me these parties, he’d always put a party hat on over his fedora.  
JOHN: i think he did it on his own birthday too. i thought it was really funny.

You aren’t sure where you were going with that, actually. You wrinkle your nose at the ground in confusion, before putting your attention back on Dirk. He looks up at you, and what little sunlight there is looks nice on his face and in his hair. It really is too bad you can’t kiss him right now.

ROXY: john! someones here!!!

Dirk lets go of your hand. He gives the closest he can to a smile, and nods you off to go get the door.

* * *

JAKE: Holy cripes john is it good to see your goofy mug!  
JOHN: hey! hi..  
JADE: hey yourself, numbnuts!!!

You’re promptly tackled by Jade and a wave of guilt.

JAKE: The new place looks right spiffy  
JADE: have you been doing ok??  
JOHN: i-i’ve been good! it’s really just like ho-  
JAKE: Haha! Christ on a cracker thats a sea of jolly toddlers if ive ever seen one  
JAKE: I was wondering where the lot of those scallywags had scurried off to!  
JOHN: oh! heh. yeah, they kinda just showed up.. i guess bubbles is pretty popular!  
JOHN: um. come in! the.. party is all outside. mostly. heh.

Though Jade doesn’t seem too excited about it, she relents with the affection. You lead the two out to join the rest of your.. raging party. Rose, Dave, and their respective alien companions have relocated to the snack table to mix with your whole two other guests. Among the nakking and glubbing and whatever sound the turtles make, you’d call this a pretty homely, familiar scene. Sort of.

There’s something just a little off about it. As Jake rushes to greet Kanaya and Dirk, and you stand next to Jade, you know it’s you.

JADE: um  
JADE: are you ok?  
JOHN: what? yeah, i’m fine!  
JOHN: do i not look ok??  
JADE: look buster i get to be worried  
JADE: you didnt explain a thing when you invited everyone over!  
JOHN: i-  
JADE: im not upset! i told you im just worried john  
JADE: and im not gonna make you open up if youre not ready  
JOHN: .....  
JOHN: um. thanks, jade..  
JADE: its good to see you again  
JADE: i missed you

You breathe a sigh of relief, and smile back at her.

JOHN: i missed you too, jade.

Even if it’s just short of satisfactory, there’s a little weight lifted off your shoulders. It is good to see her again, and Rose, and Dave, and Jake and Roxy and Kanaya and Karkat. Puffy clouds gather overhead as you and Jade go mingle with the rest.

None of it is as bad as you expected. You bounce from topic to topic, person to person, and begin to enjoy yourself. Just as you get in the groove, arguing with Dave over something dumb as ever, you can feel a little drizzle from above.

And as frustrating as it is for Rose to _always be_ right, something about it is relieving. Maybe it’s the simple fact that it doesn’t ruin the party. The consorts are actually fucking stoked about it as the drizzle grows to proper rain.

You laugh as Dave ushers Karkat inside, following them with a bowl of ruined chips. You set it on the coffee table and realize this is the first time your living room has held much more than just you and Dirk.

And it feels a lot better like this.

Dirk goes out one more time to grab the spare decorations. He helps you put them up like he helped you unpack. It feels a little easier to look at the walls now.

Which.. reminds you.

* * *

JAKE: I told you last time strider  
JAKE: It may not be complete bully, but its a classic! And a fine shuffle in a favourable step  
DAVE: dude tomb raider is a hot mess that i dont need to see to slam  
JAKE: You havent even seen it!?  
JOHN: hey! sorry. uh-  
JOHN: dave, i think i owe you something.  
DAVE: haha dude you dont have to stealth me out of this one  
JAKE: John! Chum, back me up  
JAKE: Lara croft tomb raider, slam it or glam it  
DAVE: thats not even a verb  
JOHN: i mean.. it’s no national treasure.  
JOHN: but really! i owe you something, dummy. sorry jake!  
JAKE: Gah, youre probably saving me some sanity  
JAKE: Other strider! Youre meant to be reasonable-

Dave wrinkles his brow at you, but follows when you nod him up the stairs and into your room. There’s no unfolded laundry, nor unpacked box in sight. A wrinkled photo of your father stands on the dresser as the extent of your decor. You have him wait in the doorway as you grab something from your closet.

DAVE: oh my god   
DAVE: the hunkalicious posters  
JOHN: hehe.. yeah. um. i should have gotten them to you sooner.

You pause, and let the silence lay heavy in the air. You fiddle with the orange rubber band on one of the rolled posters. It’s only a second, but you wonder if it stretches for Dave like it does for you.

JOHN: i haven’t really left the house in five months.

Just in case, you flick your gaze back and forth from the posters to his face. Just to make sure you’re not about to pointlessly dump your shit all over him. He looks (rightfully) concerned.

JOHN: which is my own fault! i thought it’d be good to leave jane’s. i-  
JOHN: i couldn’t do another birthday with her dad,  
JOHN: which is STUPID because i don’t even have it that bad. so i totally could have just- brought you the pos-  
DAVE: dude  
DAVE: hold your fucking horses  
DAVE: you have depression just like the rest of us bitches and you arent exempt just because you come from the suburbs or whatever

You look at the floor again. Dave lets you breathe a moment. You’re grateful he doesn’t bring up the whole “your planet is dead” thing, even if you know you’re both thinking it.

JOHN: um. hah. you sound like dirk.  
DAVE: oh yeah how long have you been seeing him

His voice lacks any trace of resentment or betrayal- either of which you’ve been expecting for a long time. There’s another silence as you figure out just how to answer truthfully. Dave waits, patient, a look on his face that you can read as sympathy (at least, in the few seconds you actually look at his face).

JOHN: what gave us away?  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: youve been giving him puppy eyes all day  
DAVE: dirk still thinks hes incapable of blushing  
DAVE: uhh he no longer visibly sweats when approached by something deemed “baby”  
DAVE: yall stood in the backyard for five minutes just holding hands  
DAVE: oh and then there was the kissing  
JOHN: ok! ok, i get it.  
JOHN: geez. we were really bad at that huh.  
DAVE: yeah  
JOHN: we’ve been talking since my birthday.  
JOHN: like. one-on-one for the first time without it being really awkward.  
JOHN: and he was, uh, easy to talk to.  
JOHN: i think he knows how i’ve been feeling.  
JOHN: with the.. existential loneliness. and such.

You chew on your lip, and look at him. While there’s no resentment, you can still see he’s silently struggling with something, as much as he tries to cover it up.

JOHN: i’m sorry i didn’t tell you.  
DAVE: hey its cool  
DAVE: im just sorry i wasnt with you for your big gay breakdown  
JOHN: oh! no, i’m still having the gay break down!

Then Dave smiles at you. He takes the posters, and they disappear into his sylladex.

DAVE: youre not alone here dude  
DAVE: everyones downstairs  
DAVE: and yeah i know thats on the nose but like  
DAVE: its a step  
DAVE: and youre gonna be ok

You smile back. 

The two of you go back downstairs, back to the warmth of your dumbass friends and the chilly draft from the back door. Roxy stands near the stairs, holding the Viceroy’s little robes. It must be Casey time.

DIRK: Hey. Uh. She wanted to open presents.  
DIRK: And by ‘wanted’, I mean ‘started’.  
JOHN: aw man. without me?

You snicker at the sight of Dirk looking up at you from the floor, holding Casey in his lap. She holds something in her little mitt, and you can’t quite tell what it is. You come closer and kneel down to their height.

JOHN: what’d you get, little lady?  
CASEY: bubrg  
JOHN: oh my god.  
DIRK: Is that a knife?  
JAKE: Ah! Nothing to quibble with, i copped a dummy!  
JAKE: I know wiser than to pep up any ballyhoo around here

You turn your head to throw him a glance, utterly lost. To help you decode his riff-raff, Casey demonstrates. Gentle as can be, she presses the plastic blade against your knee, and oh. Look at that, it’s one of those retractable prop knives. 

JAKE: I- figured they could make use of a phony tickler!  
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: ok. fine. it’s pretty funny.  
JAKE: Isnt it? I postulated she may take after your prankstersome nature!  
CASEY: blub  
JAKE: Haha! Yes!

The evening passes easy from there. The rain keeps up while the rest of you are safe inside, working through presents whenever Casey pleases and chattering about things that don’t quite matter. You stick by Dirk’s side, though there’s plenty else to catch up on (you finally have a real conversation with Rose; she tells you her plans for reinventing Halloween).

* * *

But when the evening winds down; when the consorts scamper back to their car and blub Casey goodbye; when your friends begin to head home and hug you goodbye; Dirk stays.

He waves Dave and Karkat goodbye with you as they climb back into their car and drive off. Then he takes your hand and helps you get everything cleaned up, just as he has before.

When you collapse on the couch from emotional exhaustion, he calls you an asshole and kisses you. It’s still early when he falls asleep on you, but you can’t complain much. He’s home.


End file.
